You might’ve heard Jerry Remy during the NESN telecast last night going through letters he received from people applying to be “President of Red Sox Nation” – a new contest the Red Sox are running.
One of the ones last night was from a guy who “really kind of irked” Remy, who asked “Who the heck is Bill Simmons?” He noted that Simmons “calls himself the Sports Guy.” Remy read portions of the letter, and said something along the lines that Simmons was in it for himself (for free tickets) and that “He’s got no chance of being president.”
Some people have wondered if it really was Simmons who sent in the letter, or someone pretending to be him. Here’s your answer: It really was Simmons.
Here is the “application” that Simmons sent in:
I’m running for the President of Red Sox Nation for ten reasons.
First, I’ve always wanted to be the President of something; at this point, I don’t really care what it is.
Second, I think I can get free tickets out of this.
Third, I heard Mike O’Malley might run and, as much as I enjoy his work, we can’t let him be President after he already subjected us to seven years of “Yes, Dear.”
Fourth, I’m the guy who once wrote a column called “Why Roger Clemens is the Anti-Christ,” you have to vote me just for that.
Fifth, unlike with that chainsmoker Jerry Remy, you’d never have to worry about my health during my tenure – and even if something does happen to me, you’ll be in capable hands with my running mate, Rich Garces.
Sixth, I dressed up as Fred Lynn for two straight Halloweens in ’75 and ’76 – even as a kid, I was making great decisions.
Seventh, I’m sure you have people in your life – in the office, in your dorm, in your family – who claim to be true Sox fans but couldn’t pick Todd Benzinger or Dewey Evans out of a police lineup. I’m going to create a nationwide competency test to weed out these bandwagon jerks.
Eighth, I spent the last four years in California learning about political leadership from the great Arnold Schwarzenegger – with that kind of training, I’m going to be unstoppable.
Ninth, I have not one, not two but THREE friends named Sully. That has to count for something.
And tenth, I’m going to use my presidential powers to get more free stuff for kids – free Red Sox Nation memberships, free tickets, free stuff from the Pro Shop and everything else. Vote for Simmons or you’re basically admitting that you don’t care about kids.
You think the line about Remy being a chainsmoker might’ve ticked Jerry just off a little? Jerry remarked about Simmons “ripping” his health and “ripping Mike O’Malley.” In any event, I think Remy knew exactly who Simmons was, and was likely playing the whole thing up a bit, perhaps under orders from above to generate some publicity for the contest. (Such as this post. I now hate myself.)
But as you can see from the above, the “application” was clearly tongue-in-cheek.
Simmons told me that he was asked to run, but that actually plans on “bowing out” of the process, as he didn’t know that Peter Gammons was also running, and he is throwing his support behind Gammons as he feels that he is the “logical choice” for the position.