INT. MASSAROTTI HOME – 8:00 P.M. APRIL 11TH

A weary TONY arrives home after a long, arduous day in the 98.5 The Sports Hub Studios.

TONY

Honey, I’m home!

MRS. MASSAROTTI

Hi Dear! I just put the kids to bed, and your dinner is in the oven. How was your day?

TONY
(sighs)

Just another day at the office. I made a complete and utter fool of myself, just as I am paid to do. I actually made the statement that Rajon Rondo’s 18 point, 15 assist performance against the Heat is proof that he is NOT a great player in this league!

MRS. MASSAROTTI
(confused)

Um, OK.

TONY
(squeaking excitedly)

YES! Because if he WAS a great player, he’d do that every night! See? It’s brilliant! I totally ignore the part where he’s had double-digit assists in 19 straight games – the longest streak in the NBA in 20 years! I also ignore the part where, since 1986 there have only been seven triple-doubles with at least 10 points, 10 rebounds and 20 assists and Rondo has the last five of them! Not a great player! I sounded so dumb!

MRS. MASSAROTTI
(placatingly)

Well honey, you know we’re still really proud of you..

TONY
(interrupts)

Wait, there’s more! I’m learning, I really am. Instead of “You’re absolutely right, Mike.” I’m learning to mix it up a little, saying things like “No doubt, Mike.” and “Listen Mike, I can’t argue that.” I’m really getting a grip on this whole “play dumb on the radio” role! I also insulted the Celtics fans, and suggested that maybe, just maybe the team is “juiced up” and then Mike and I suggested that Terry Francona is just like Josh Beckett. He’s only interested in finding the snitch, not admitting that he really was a drug-addled philanderer like Hohler said he was!

MRS MASSAROTTI
(sighs)

Well, today was payday, right? You’re such a good provider for the kids and I. Even if you do refer to them as “little monsters” in that Dragon Naturally Speaking commercial you do. How much did you make off that again? Never mind, I can see you’re exhausted from thinking so much today.

TONY
(relaxes)

Thanks honey. I do it all for you guys. It not always easy playing a complete imbecile, but the pay makes it worth it. You know what I’ve decided to post on Twitter tomorrow morning?

EXT. TONY’S COMPUTER 8:39 A.M. TODAY

[blackbirdpie id=”190418910011588609″]

Published by Bruce Allen

Automattician.

26 thoughts on “Playing Stupid And Making Big Bucks – The Life Of A Sports Media Superstar”

  1. perfect Bruce! Do Felger next: 
    F&M finally talk C’s yesterday & this is what you get, Felger “I think the Celts are real and they are a threat and I hate it. NBA sucks.”

    Like

    1. I’m going to give Felger some ammo to back up that point you mentioned above.

      http://espn.go.com/nba/truehoop/miamiheat/story/_/id/7801502/nba-olympians-compensated

      Like DWADE isn’t making enough money, he needs that extra 250K from playing for his country. Olympics is an “amateur” competition. I know there are those that are making millions off the event, but worrying about Wade’s piggybank should be the least of their concerns. Disgusting!

      Like

      1. FYI, Ray Allen also believes in this sentiment. Didn’t want to exclude him from criticism because he’s a Celtic. In the article, Wade goes on to fence-sit saying he would play anyway because he loves his country and sport. IMO, he’s just catering to both sides so he doesn’t look bad. Human nature is to speak what you really feel. Public/Corporate nature comes 15 seconds later when the agent comes running instructing how to hedge your argument so you don’t sound like a fool. Standard!

        Like

        1. I think Ray Allen could have come out of this interview while making his point and smelling like a rose if he had said…:

          I understand that NBA player’s sacrifice time and their bodies for the country, while USA Basketball makes a lot of money off selling USA Basketball team jerseys, hats and t-shirts.  If I am giving my time freely then USA Basketball should be using this money to develop basketball in the USA.  So I recommend that 80% of the money earned from the sale of Jersey’s be given to youth basketball programs in existence or developed and administered by USA Basketball.  The remaining 20% will easily fund USA Basketball’s activities in non Olympic years.  

          Instead Allen and by extension Wade comes off as an athlete who talks like his agent…”what’s my cut” …instead of seeing the big picture.  

          Like

          1. that has nothing to do with felger saying I don’t like the celtics winning, and they never talk c’s and when they do he says let’s service our c’s fans—–some “boston’s home for sports”

            Like

  2. Bruce…your satire is funny.  However I think to be fair to Mazz as I have mentioned before…the Baseball Reporters show/hour is the best hour of Radio in the market.  So for however dumb he sounds talking football, basketball and hockey….and for how inane his side kick persona is…when he focuses on baseball and does not have to prop up Felger he is excellent.  

    So let him laugh all the way to the bank.  The listeners seem to like him…or maybe it is that the alternative just is just so mind numbing that it does not matter.

    Like

    1. I don’t know about that. I heard some of it the other day, and it sounded just like the rest of the afternoon. In the past, generally it has been a good show. I wasn’t impressed this time.

      Like

      1. I do admit to missing the last three shows because I was out of the country but the first couple I heard this year I thought we decidedly better than the F&M show.  I thought his discussion of the starting pitching situation as well as his insights into the power struggle between the baseball ops people and the on field manager were good.  I do think that show benefits greatly when he has another baseball voice on…why they don’t have Sean McAdam who they have under contract at the station, call in every day for at least a “reporters” segment puzzles me.  Still even when Tony mimics the F&M show more of his ideas and research are part of the conversation and it is all around better.

        Having said that I am willing to concede I might be damning with feint praise.  The best hour on Boston Sports radio as of right now does not need to hit a very high bar.  Still I much prefer listening to that show than anything else other than the Sunday Football show Dale Arnold hosts on WEEI.  The problem is that show is not on the air until the fall.

        Like

        1. You’re not a fool for having that opinion, I was tricked as well. I agree about McAdam. They don’t have many “reporters” on. Maybe it should be called the Baseball Reporter. IThe differences between Tony on F&M and TBR used to be drastic; think Bret Saberhagen (Royals) Fastball then boom off-speed stuff. Unfotunately for us, we are now seeing the RedSox version of Saberhagen, the fastball ain’t up there anymore, so theres not much drop-off between the two shows, it all looks the same.

          Like

      2. Is this site all about bashing or what?  I may be the only fool listening to F&M but I find them highly entertaining.  If you want to bash a show it should be Gresh and Zo. Gresh is the biggest fraud on the radio. 

        Like

    2.  I keep hearing people say this, but when I turn it on it’s the same drivel he spews when he’s with Felger.

      Like

    3. I know I agreed with this point about the Baseball Reports in the past and have posted about it. My how things change. Tony definetely changed his approach on the show in the off-season. I’ve listened to the show a few times for 15-20 clips, which is a large sample for the hour show, and its now an extension of F&M, but without Felger for Mazz to agree with.

      Tony recycles arguments from F&M and just harps on how everything sucks. Analysis of the game is gone from this hour, it remains doom and gloom, no insight. it’s a shame…… I find myself saying that alot lately talking about Boston Sports Radio

      Like

    4.  If the “Baseball Reporters show/hour is the best hour of Radio in the market,” all that says is that there is no good radio, period.

      Like

  3. Mrs. Massarotti:

    Honey, I heard a commercial for your show when I was dropping off the little monsters at school.   It had a clip of you screaming like usual about how Belichick should “Get some freakin’ players and win some games!”  But if I’m mistaken, didn’t he to to the Super Bowl last year?  He must have won some games to get there, no?

    Tony:

    You’re absolutely right, dear.

    Like

  4. Gotta disagree with LTD on the baseball reporters show.  The first year it was terrific and than the consultants got to tony and he had to inject his “persona” into the program and it went off of a cliff.

    As Bruce says, it’s merely him YELLING the same thing that’s already been said.

    Like

    1.  I would have made this comment if you didn’t, W.  The first year of the baseball reporters really was good, and it blows now.

      Like

  5. His comments on the Bruins this week have perfectly cemented the fact that he hasn’t watched a single second of a game since last year’s playoffs (and even that I question).

    “I don’t have a great feeling about this series with Washington. I mean, they’ll probably win, but they lost 3 of 4 to them and while the last game was 4-3 it really should have been 4-2 because Boston scored late”.

    Look, moron, no, it shouldn’t have been 4-2.  Boston tied it, forcing OT and Washington won in the shooting (they award a single goal for that). So no, in no universe should that game have been 4-2.  And yet in the roughly 35 seconds of him talking about it over three days (before frustratedly changing to music each time) I’ve heard him say it twice.

    Like

  6. Bruce, I like the evolving shift on the site away from Links to 2 or 3 daily blog posts on specific subjects. Instead of throwing everything against the wall you can ‘curate’ the daily news and pick the best jumping-off points for discussion.

    Like

  7. Obviously, Mazz is just a troll. Say whatever gets clicks, likes, calls, etc…i would say ignore him, but when you throw steroid allegations out there, you can’t. Isn’t that slander?

    Like

  8. I’ll consider the source (F+M), but apparently Henry is going to be over in Liverpool because they just sacked their GM, so this means he won’t even be at opening day?

    That would be funny if it’s true.

    Like

  10. Am I the only one who gets embarrassed for Masserotti when he does his Boston accent tough guy voice? I just saw it live and actually pitied him. The third grave proud of himself giggle he made afterwards was equally humiliating.

    Like

  11. Bruce, awesome commentary on Mazz.
    The more exposure the Boston media receives via the tv/radio the more we are exposed to their glaring lack of intelligence.
    Funny thing is these egomaniace think it’s the fans who are the dopes as they share their dimwitted wisdom with the unwashed masses. 

    Like

  12. Observing your 10-year anniversary has really brought out the best in you this week, Bruce!  It’s been one great column after another, and this one is right on the money. 

    Mazz has become a major disappointment in the radio medium.  When he was first paired up with Felger on 98.5, I thought he might actually challenge some of MF’s half-baked opinions (oddly enough, Mark Bertrand does a better job of this when he fills in for Mazz), but instead he appears content to ride his co-host’s coattails.  

    Listening to this year’s version of the Baseball-no-Reporters show, I wonder if Tony’s behavior between 2:00 and 6:00 has resulted in his former guests (McAdam, Shaughnessy, Roche) bailling on what used to be a fairly informative hour.  Or has the soap opera on Yawkey Way given Mazz a convenient excuse to blather on about John Henry’s trips and Josh Beckett’s attitude instead of discussing what’s happening on the field? 

    A scarier prospect is that if the Red Sox continue to lose, Mazz’ baseball hour will become unlistenable to the point that we’ll actually prefer the endless commercial blocks on the radio network pregame show.   

    Like

  13. In work we call Massarotti “Hot Lips”… he needs a lot of ice for his lips & M. Felger’s butt because he’s kissing it all the time. The two of them are especially humorous when they end statements with “RIGHT??!! Not the two brightest bulbs, but they are paid handsomely to be best bud’s.

    Like

Comments are closed.